Blow My Nose

I love conspiracy theories, Lifetime movies and general celebrity gossip, so the past couple of days I’ve been fascinated with the possibility that Bristol Palin is the real birth mother of Trig Palin. Many websites have speculated, youtube videos and Alaskan government photos surfaced (though most mysteriously pulled down), and leftist bloggers shit their pants.

I recommend that Bristol stay as far away from the internet as possible. Sorry, girl.

Yesterday the site Daily Kos published a really comprehensive post of most of the theory’s support, but they took it down. Luckily it’s been cached, suckas! Check that out here.

More points here from the Philly Daily News. Ughhh I love it.

I found a picture of Sarah when she was *really* pregnant, and here is how she looked:

Media-wise, I’ve also noticed that Bristol is the one always holding the baby. And she looks like a mother. Obviously it’s probably hard for Sarah to shake hands and give speeches while holding a baby, but I’m pointing it out anyway.

Whatever happens, I appreciate the Palins for keeping it interesting. Biden is a snoozefest!

I understand what Heidi Montag was trying to do with her “Overdosin” video, but about 40 seconds in, all I wanted to do was watch Gil Mantera’s Party Dream. I guess they aren’t really comparable, but they make me feel the same way (pretty pleased with a heavy pang of guilt). Clearly one uses pitch correction and one doesn’t, with a lack of singing ability on both accounts. I am mostly anti-pitch correction unless it’s Madonna singing (who can stand that garbage without it?). Thoughts?

Even though I was born and live in the Midwest (and I lived a good portion of my life in Mississippi), I like to think I’m pretty smart. Like, I know things. My frame of reference is tiny by no means, but honestly I had NO IDEA what “Dressage” was. How long have rich horse snobs been doing this without me knowing? Hundreds of years? How long have they been doing it without the motivating tune of “Lady Marmalade”?

This makes me want to die.

Every time I see Nastia perform, she just reminds me of my favorite fictional character (Veronica Mars), and I get really pumped. It’s pretty stupid, but I’ve never wanted to be a petite, sassy, powerful blonde more than right now.

My mom, the best mom ever, has a birthday today.

My Republican family is not really going to like this, but you know what? Fuck John McCain. Fuck him real hard with a Viagra boner. I cannot, in any good conscience, vote for someone who disregards the reproductive health (and straight up health) of women.

I recently stopped taking birth control because it was just too expensive to keep doing so. I had struggled to pay for it for years, sometimes paying 80 dollars a month (with insurance I had it down to 30) just to deal with my menstrual symptoms. Some women have serious medical conditions like endometriosis that require birth control treatments.

John McCain would prefer not to talk about it, shirk the issue and stay with the status quo of insurance covered cock pills than answer a really fucking easy question! Your gut reaction, sir, is that birth control should be as affordable (if not more) than a FUCKING ERECTION ENHANCER*.

Watch the asshole in motion:

He makes this horrible “Oh God, I do not want to answer your question” face:

You know, I asked the same question about why Viagra is covered and not BC to my insurance agent, and she didn’t have a good answer either. Can someone please tell me who is in charge here?

Thanks for your service, dude, but please do not get elected.

In other news, I am super stoked to be going to Chicago this weekend with Becky for the Pitchfork festival. I got my map and instructions today, and it looks so cool! The DEPART-ment craft ladies of Chicago will be setting up shop right near us, so there will be awesome crafty stuff as well as records for sale.

I spent this week making these tote bags (design by Sadly Harmless):

We’ve got a limited edition to sell, so come see us at the CHIRP Record Fair! Lots of vinyl, shirts, cds and stickers as well. Yay!

(*I understand that men’s sexual health is also important. No one likes a limp weiner. No one wants unwanted babies inside them or hemorrhaging uteruses, either.)

I live in a fairly sleepy Indiana town, so I have been really disillusioned in the past few weeks with all the gross crimes that have affected my friends, my neighbors and myself.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve ever taken the safe way I’ve felt in Bloomington for granted, but I’m really disappointed that it’s over.
1. One of my friends was attacked walking home at night alone. We all used to walk home alone, and now it’s just not an option.
2. There was a woman terrorizing my neighborhood (and surrounding neighborhoods). She tried to victimize one of my bosses, writer of the brilliant Bloomington Eats (and Drinks), who lives a block away from me. It looks like she’s been arrested, but, you know, UGH:
Elonda Fleener?!
3. Sometimes strange people are loitering on our porch, and they usually run away when we appear, but Jared’s bike was stolen off of our porch (not locked but only there for a brief time - shit!). I would be devastated if my bike and I were separated…
4. When I was at work on Sunday I received a really disturbing phone call. It shook me in a number of ways because I’m often there by myself, the caller knows who I am (now, at least), and it was so targeted. Let’s say it began as a conversation about gifts and devolved into what rolling pin I preferred. Yuck yuck yuck. Is there some kind of anti-obscene phone call campaign I can join?
5. Pepper spray for your keychain is 8 dollars including tax at Kleindorfer’s. I am ready to spray the fuck out of someone.

Crafty stuff continues. We are making tote bags to sell at Pitchfork’s CHIRP record fair (come see me at the Secretly Canadian booth all three days of the festival). I’m thinking about going to Boston in August (flights to Providence are dirt cheap despite all the terrible airline press).

This season of the show “So You Think You Can Dance” is definitely on our TV this summer. I have never really watched it before, but I am firmly addicted to the dance team of Mark and Chelsea and the song “Bleeding love” by Leona Lewis. It’s sort of completely ridiculous, but we’ve watched this about 20 times on our DVR:

It’s my dream that “Bleeding Love” becomes a karaoke classic so that Becky, Maggie and I can do the dance on stage some day.

Today Justin’s dad sent me this video of some really cool people playing my favorite song *fabulously*

I could go on and on about how we have the power to inspire, encourage and love each other, but I think it speaks pretty well for itself!

I’m about a week and a half into June - the June I work every single day. I’ll persevere. There are little things I’m neglecting, though. Like sleep, trimming my toenails, letters, calling my parents, remembering to even turn my phone on…little things?

Well, I am still making stuff. This drawing I commissioned by Sally Harless. Originally I was going to use it for wedding hankies, but I thought it might look nice in a frame. Here’s how it turned out:

I gotta pay for the new power cord for my laptop. Yet another one pooped out on me! And this time it was $74 to replace. You see, the Apple Computer company has my figurative nuts in a choke hold when it comes to my internet addiction. I will do anything!

In other news, my sister is running a marathon (while I still struggle with a 5k), the designer of my website and my best bestie Megan Downey is making a triumphant return to Bloomies, and my economic stimulus check still eludes my grasp!

Here is a list of the things I could probably do with a $600 check (but let’s face it, I’ll probably get a $300):

1. Get a hot air balloon ride from TJV! This is what I was going to get my ex boyfriend for his 30th birthday, so I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time!
2. Go to Salvation Mountain
3. Give it all who call me a significant debtor (I’m looking at you, Sallie Mae!)
4. Buy myself a personal trainer for a couple of months.
5. Buy the most sterling silver I can so I have a bargaining chip during the impending depression/recession/apocalypse. I imagine the price of a Polar Pop will go above a dollar. What will we do? WHAT WILL WE DO?

Let me know if you have any grand ideas.

All my embroidery right now is being made watching the Showtime show Dexter, which is about a serial killer who kills other serial killers. If you’d like to see how much sympathy you could really muster for an evil dude, watch this show. You’ll love his ass.

I wanted to recommend any artists out there who make books to check out this artist I have been working with lately. He’s shooting one of my bands for a magazine next week, and his artist books are pretty great! Very inspiring journals and beautiful photos.

I wanted to give a happy 15th birthday to the album by Liz Phair that never stops being inspirational, devastating, thought-provoking and important to me, Exile in Guyville. It was the first vinyl record I ever bought, and the older I get the more it means to me.

Oh! I almost forgot. I did a small commission that is a great example of what you can use Blow My Nose for. A client mailed me an antique handkerchief, we agreed on the font and color, and I mailed it back to her quickly. They’re going to a wedding in Ireland and giving it to the bride! Here’s how that ended up looking:

Thank you, Claire and Kerri! You guys are cool friends.

I made this such a long time ago that it’s kind of embarrassing, but I finally took a picture of it on a human today. Thanks to Blow My Nose model, Matt.